A raíz del magno evento que significa para el mundo literario el debut de Mark E. Smith (también conocido como The Fall al más puro estilo del Rey Louis XIV), the guardian publicó extractos de los cuales procedemos a entregar memorables pasajes (ergo: el extracto del extracto, algo así como un ron doblemente destilado). Traducirlo sería blasfemia, pero para cualquiera que desee las siguientes citas en el idioma de Cervantes, podrá usar la poco exacta ciencia del babelfish.

11. If there was somebody from another gang on the same paper round from another newsagents we used to set his papers on fire. Or put notes inside saying, “Piss off missus - your paper boy!” Things like that, little things.

10.  I am one of the 3% who was made to take speed. It helps me sleep

09. People have a funny relationship with their dogs. Blokes in the 80s used to buy them because they were soft and wanted to look hard - you’d see them prancing around with these slavering beasts, these sharks on leads. It seems to be on its way back, all that shit. There’s no real need to have something like that around the house, is there? It’s a bit disturbing. Cats are much brighter.

08.

When I was on tour in the early days I used to ring my dad up and ask him to collect the mail, and he’d be like, “What are you doing?”

“I’m in Germany.”

“What you doing there?”

“Doing very well.”

“You must be mad.”

Because he saw Germany as just a load of old women walking round with sticks and a load of rubble; still thinking it’s 1946.

07. The thing about school was, I couldn’t get my head around any of the prescribed books - The Hobbit, for instance. The master used to read us The Hobbit - can you believe it? That’s all we used to talk about - small men in holes. We had a protest about it, against him. He used to room with JRR Tolkien, and that’s all he’d ever talk about, his days with JRR. The prefects actually backed us up; because we were saying, “This is supposed to be English literature and we’re reading this shit, this fairy story, when we’re supposed to be reading Shakespeare and medieval poetry.”

06. People don’t like being told the truth. In 1997 I said they were dicks for voting Labour - but nobody was having it at the time. Three years later people are saying, “Oh, you were right there, Mark.” It’s a waste of time, really, but I still do it. Nobody likes the bringer of bad news. What makes me laugh is that the older I get, the more people repeat things that I told them 10 years ago. But whereas five years ago I would have had a rant at them - “I fucking told you that in 1997!” - now I just go, “Oh really? That’s interesting.”

05. I sacked Marc Riley on his wedding day! I didn’t know he’d just got secretly wed. I said to Kay Carroll, who used to manage the group, “We’ve got to ring him, we’ve got to get rid of him,” because he was getting out of hand: wanting to do Totally Wired twice a night, playing Container Drivers with his cowboy hat on and all that kind of thing. Even Kay was a bottler - she got all nervous on the phone. She’s like, “Marc, I’ve got something to say to you …”, not getting to the point. So I said, “Give me the phone” and he says, “Mark, how did you find out?” and I go, “What?!”

I only wanted a private wedding. I got wed today.” Of course, I thought, “Why didn’t you invite me, then, you cunt?” And I say, “Congratulations, mate. And by the way, you’re sacked.” So you can see why he’s a bit scarred.

04. I devised this thing called “Japanese prison camp”. I’d make them sit in this room under a table with a big cloth over them because the air force might be coming. I’d be the Japanese guard. “You can’t go out. You must stay under there,” I’d tell them. Then I’d shut the door, say I was going to the bridge on the River Kwai, have some pop, go out with my mates and, half an hour before my mam and dad came home, I’d return, saying, “Japanese prison camp is now over.”

03. I don’t want to be like the other lot - Mick Jagger and fucking Rod Stewart. My sex life actually went down when I formed the Fall. In fact, there have been occasions when I’ve been getting on with a woman very well and as soon as she found out I was in the Fall she went right off me.

02. I have a clear-out every year. I hire a big yellow skip that sits proudly outside next to the cars, and in it I throw everything that’s surplus. This can be all sorts - clothes, records, books. I can’t work amid clutter. I crave space. I only have three chairs in the house: one for the wife, one for me, and one for a guest. No more. One guest at a time - that’s my philosophy. You don’t want your house turning into a hippy commune.

01. Lads today are a bit too open like this anyway: going to the doctor’s every five minutes telling them how depressed and distanced they feel. I think it’s because they’ve got too much time and space to think about themselves. You don’t get lads like that in Russia. It’s not part of the culture there. It’s a uniform, if you ask me: an identity. You can hear the whingeing in their music. It’s stale. They should stop hiding away in their bedrooms with their computers and get out a bit.

© 2008 Mark E Smith.